Several years ago I went to a reading and book signing at A Different Light Bookstore (now defunct) on W. 19th Street in Chelsea to hear this gay author (Brad Gooch is his name) talk about his then new book, "The Boyfriend Within." In a nutshell, the book is a sort of "self help" book for gay men who don't have a man (boyfriend), and how one should treat himself as the object of his own desire. Well, I didn't have a man and, well, I really, really wanted one.
Eyes wide open and ear aperk, I sat amongst mostly 30- and 40-ish white gay men (I did say A Different Light), with a small pad on my lap taking notes. "Lonely on a Saturday night?" Gooch asked. Then get dressed up as you might do for a hot date and go to dinner alone, he prescribed. "Wanna see 'The Titanic' and all of your 'Judies (friends)' are busy or unavailable?" Don't fret; make your way to the nearest Cineplex Odeon (the one on 23rd Street would be ideal, he mentioned), buy a single ticket, a big tub of buttery popcorn and sit your ass down and enjoy the show. And lovingly lick your buttery fingers for good measure... Just stop worrying (about what you do not have), the author seem to be saying, and enjoy what you do have: Yourself.
Hmmm...Why didn't I think of that? Being my own man.
Yesterday, I did.
Feeling a little blue and pitiful and manless, I moped about the house wondering Why? When? Where--is my man?! I'm ready and waiting for him. Can't he pick up the scent of my pheromones? Feel my "husband-material" vibe?
I began to clean the house, organizing, purging, discarding. Next to (yet far behind) cooking, cleaning relaxes me, strokes my spirit. There are few worries that I cannot put to rest by the making a of homemade lemon poundcake or a sweet potato pie (one of my favorites).
As I boxed books and magazines and swept dust bunnies from beneath the bed, I began thinking to myself: Darrell, you’re a good man; you’re smart, cute and fine; you have a lot to offer, and you deserve at least as much in return; be good to yourself, boy…And, as if I had un-muted the volume on the television, I began to speak aloud my thoughts. (That’s right, I began talking to me, myself. Don’t act like you’ve never done it.) Soon thereafter I was deciding what I might treat Myself to—food? a book? a movie? Where I would take Me on a date. Channeling my boyfriend within.
Then, the doorbell rang.
It was the UPS Man. A package had come for me. What’s this? I thought before fully processing the Chicago return address. Inside the cardboard packaging was a small white box with a beautifully tied pink ribbon bow. “Cliff & Buster” was embossed on the box in gold script letters...Macaroons! (Freshly grated coconut lightly sweetened, baked until slightly crisp on the outside, then lightly drizzled with a streak of dark chocolate. Mmm…) I had forgotten I had ordered a dozen of these gourmet goodies two and a half weeks ago, after a dear friend (whose knows well my gastrointestinal cravings) tipped me off that they were featured on Oprah, on her annual show, "Oprah’s Favorite Things." (The listing is currently on Oprah’s Web site.)
I undid the bow, opened the box and tossed aside the fastidiously placed pink and white tissues and bit half way into a cookie. The taste can only be described by sound; ahhh…
Six macaroons later, I got around to reading the tiny card enclosed in the box. It read: To Me, From Me (or my boyfriend within).
P.S. Cliff & Buster macaroons can be ordered online (cliffandbuster.com) or by calling 888-4DELISH.
Truly, honey! Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by: Jeffery at February 18, 2004 12:03 PMHow very much “right on time!” - your self-love, your enjoying yourself, and the surprise of the macaroons. You are so much on your way, without even realizing it. Like all things, your man/boyfriend/huz-bund/lover/partner/divine mate will show up, like the macaroons, at the right time. That’s a guarantee. Don’t worry!! Just keep on, keeping on, polishing and affirming that boyfriend “WITHIN”! And, speaking of timeliness, I invite you to read Christopher David’s I’m On My Way, which is excellent. It’s on my nightstand, and is quite fab!
Posted by: Kevin at January 16, 2004 08:07 PMsmile! Honey, you got it - such a wonderful read! I expect absolutely nothing less from you.
As I read this, it wasn’t just your execution that had me grinning like a Cheshire cat; it also was remembering some of the many MANY conversations we’ve had (and that Gordon and I have had) about this subject over the years. Reading this entry made it a little more real for me. Thank you!
Posted by: Donald at January 15, 2004 08:50 PMWords can’t express my empathetic connection to this entry (yeah, it sounds silly, but it’s true). Lord knows I’ve dated myself enough times to the point where dating someone else almost becomes a loathesome thought. Though on some days it would be nice to smother a brother. But I digress. Thank you for sharing this! Lets me know that not all singles are out there like walking billboards waiting to be bought.
Posted by: karsh at January 15, 2004 03:10 PMbecause, after all, it’s the little things that mean so much in life. affection from confection.
Posted by: ej at January 15, 2004 02:06 PM